A RIOT OF RUSSOPHOBIC FERVOUR - HOW FAR WILL THE WEST NOW GO BOJO? (A SATIRE)

The elites of the western world appear ready to take Russia Today (RT) from our screens. Bojo Johnson in Britain has asked that this be looked into.

All things Russian now seem destined to be labelled highly dangerous for western well-being. Could Russian Salad become a complete no-no in restaurants and homes? The balalaika to be silenced? Sputnik may be erased from all history books as the first satellite in space and Yuri Gagarin's name could be expunged from every book concerning the heroic exploits of astronauts (never cosmonauts!)

Soon the Russian language could be seen as denoting terroristic tendencies and a proclivity toward invading others (privacy?) Vodka becomes an underground speciality unavailable in your local bottle shop. The depiction of red stars, let alone hammer and sickle symbols become objects of terror and naughty children are once again threatened with the prospect of being sent to Siberia.

Reds under the bed are searched for nightly within atomic bomb shelters hastily dug in back gardens everywhere. On large screens erected on town squares everywhere a massive photograph of Vladimir Putin scowls down on a cowering populace who quiver and quake as a booming voice emerges from carefully arranged speakers telling them to "WATCH OUT FOR THIS DANGEROUS FELON IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD! BEWARE!!!!!"

Leaflets depicting the holographic saintly figures of Joe Biden, Boris Johnson and Olaf Scholz with bright 3-D halos over their heads are delivered through every letterbox in national campaigns complete with slogans on trams, buses, planes, trains and metro carriages:

'RUSSIA IS TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY BAD FOR *YOU*!', 'RUSSIA IS EVIL INCARNATE!", 'BE A LIBERAL & SLEEP SAFE TONIGHT!', 'RUSSIANS WANT YOU DEAD!"

Many a sleepless night is caused by visions of Vlad Putin the Impaler chasing poor Ukrainians through the woods and slitting their poor innocent throats before turning to the dreamer who then wakes in a cold sweat.

Pilgrimages to the Bolshoi Ballet must be made by clandestine means as no other possibility to experience their delights exists in the western world. Travel companies are ordered to cancel all tours to Russia and never again feature them in their brochures. Every library in the western world has any book that even mentions Russia removed immediately. All the works of Tolstoy and Dostoevsky are ritually burned in a pyre lit by every bottle and barrel of Vodka found in the locality.

Those found harbouring any Russian item of any kind in their homes are taken to special posts called 'Flogging Poles' and their neighbours are invited to throw rotten fruit at them while berating them as 'Foreign Agents', 'Putin Puppets' and 'Useful Idiots'. After their ritual flogging their names are entered on the 'Undesirables List of Traitors' which is posted in the window of every shop near their homes. The list includes an admonition requiring a ritual spit in the face of the undesirable traitor by all those spotting one out and about in their town. A monetary award is offered for the most comical expression photographed of the undesirable's expression after being 'saliva'd' of that week.

At the end of each evening's six and ten o'clock news bulletin a loud blaring is to be heard signifying the hateful effect of the so-called 'Putin Voice' reminding all listeners what they've been saved from.

Companies commit economic suicide rather than continue to do business with Russians the punishment for doing so being death anyway. Russian gas is deemed to cause allergies, asthma, cancer, influenza, Covid, venereal disease, whooping cough, piles, diarrhoea, a runny nose and the crucifixion of Jesus. Pipelines of all kinds are no longer depicted as they might bring back bad memories of the completion of Nord Stream 2. Even everyday pipes are banned, both those for smoking and those for sanitary disposal of human urine and excrement. New methods of disposing of all waste products are devised to save sensitive souls from exposure to Russianness.

Atlases must be withdrawn from sale and new editions published with a large white area replacing the previous nation called The Russian Federation. As nations continue in their folly to mention Russia in any way or with even more brazen conduct state their support of it they too are removed from world maps.

New swear words appear. "You Fucking Russian!" is the most common, used on any occasion when someone is annoyed with another. "Fuck Off To Siberia!" is next in popularity along with "Are You Putin?!, or the variant, "Are You A Putin?!"

With all these various means the western world is kept safe from the harm that Russia would 'highly likely' wish to do them, assured of future happiness and freedom to vote for all the anti-Russian candidates standing for political office, free of any pro-Russian sentiment of any kind.

And they all lived happily un-Russian forever after...?